Filed under: Daily grind, Mom issues, Wit, cookie magazine, humor, parent issues, parody, slice of life | Tags: balls, crazy things kids say, mommy blog, mommy issues, parenting, sleepover
Jake had a sleep over last night with his best friend. I am always scared something extreme will happen. I am one of those highly obsessive unlogical thinkers that jumps right to the nth degree. For instance, at his first sleep over with this very same friend I was convinced he was going to get smothered by him. I know that Jake passes out and his friend will be up bored and wanting to play.
He could do something obvious, like draw a moustache with permanent marker, he could put his hand in a cup of warm water, but no, I go straight to smothering. Now this child we’ll call him Ben, (cause that’s his name) has no criminal record and has never smothered anyone, that I know of. But, I could not sleep. Instead of celebrating with a raucous romp, I was up every hour wondering how many pillows are in Ben’s room.
When Jake came back breathing I was thrilled and our day was normal. We went for a swim and Jake stripped down, wrapped a towel around himself and grabbed his junk as he so often does. Nothing out of the ordinary. Well I guess holding his stuff reminded him of the repercussions of the sleepover.
Jake: “Mom do you know what balls are?”
Me: “Sure you have tons of balls, baseballs, tennis balls…”
Jake: “Nope. (drop towel lift penis and squeeze sac) these are balls. See one two, see cause they’re like balls.”
Ryan: “Like the balls on my tongue”
(May that be the only context in which she utters those words to me again.)
Jake: “No Ryan these are balls, see ball, line, ball (squeezing and pointing so Ryan can get a good look) Mommy is talking about my balls and you’re talking about tongues.”
Me: “No, Mommy isn’t talking about your balls, Mommy is just listening.”
Jake: “Mommy, do you know what nuts are?”
I’ll take this over smothering every time. Thanks Ben.
