Filed under: Mom issues
Read the article at http://www.suburbanjungle.net
Filed under: Daily grind, Husbands, Marriage issue, Mom issues, Neurotic Mommy, city life, comedy, cookie magazine, humor, mommy blog, parent issues, parenting, parody | Tags: blogger, Cardiologist, funny, good housekeeping magazine, humor blog, mommy blog, parenting, parody, thirty something, writer
In the ongoing saga of low blood pressure I found myself at the cardiologist 4 times last week.
Day One: Upon arriving it does not take a carni age guesser to know that I am at least a hundred years younger than the rest of the crowd. I am also in the minority, that is not connected to an iv or oxygen tank.
The truth is I happen to be in a rush and would selfishly love to be the first in, but selflessly, I don’t want to go in before any one of these people who could clearly use a once over and someone to check for a pulse. As I am unsettled by this thought, a woman drags herself in the door and up to the window, “I am having chest pains unlike anything I have ever felt. I don’t have an appointment, but can I see my Doctor?” As it turns out she takes my appointment and thankfully so, as poor Estelle is sitting across from me clutching her heart and breathing erratically. I proactively position myself directly parallel so that I can catch her if necessary.
Nurse: “Morty”
As they come out calling for other people, I’m thinking please call in Estelle before she codes.
Nurse 2: “Estelle”
Nurse 1: “Phil”
Nurse 2: “Bea”
Nurse 1: “Saul”
The receptionist who is joking with all the patients as if it might be there last day, pokes her head out, “Mr. Dale are you gonna give me any more trouble today young man? Oh, and Mrs. Isenman, he’s getting to you.“
“I’ve been here over an hour is that normal?“
“Nope, he’s usually right on time, but there was a problem with the patient before you and we’ve already had an ambulance here once this morning and it‘s only 10 0‘clock“
Nurse 3: “Joan”
Mark calls to see how the appointment went.
“I’m still waiting.“
“Oh, you are? You filling out all the medical forms or are you just waiting to be called?“
“No Mark, they’re ready for me, I’m just so thrown by these forms. So many tough questions, like my name and my age. Then there are some real zingers like my SSN. It’s like taking the SAT’s all over again. They’re begging me to finish up and I’m trying to convince them that I’m eligible for the untimed version.
Nurse 2: “Sandy”
Look I know he’s trying. I know he was hoping I would be out so he could check it off his ‘things to remember list’ and I know he asked that ridiculous question because he wants to seem caring, but I can’t help myself sometimes.
Nurse 1: “Jenny”
By now the hypoglycemia that they found last week during my 5 hr. glucose test is acting up and the nurse goes to get me an apple juice, that they have for “such occasions.” “Thanks, but really there’s no need to make such a fuss.” Did I really say that? See what an hour and a half out there did to me? “By the way how is Estelle?”
Nurse: “Who?”
The cardiologist Dr. Seth was, thank goodness not what I was expecting. He was a referral from my, ‘roll your own’ Jamaican Dr. and I was thinking Seth might just be his first name, and that he may or may not have a surf board and that he may or may not have a medical license. Luckily, he was Arcaad Seth, an Indian gentleman. Look, I saw “Slumdog,” so I had a birds eye view into his upbringing. As it turned out my knowledge of him being part of a panhandling ring of blind singers did little for our deeper connection, as he robotically set me up for a series of tests to rule out the possibilities and sternly warned me not to drive much saying, “You could hit a school bus filled with children.“
“Thank you for that. Just telling me would not have been enough. Did the past 30 minutes with me not give you any indication that I have some excessive worrying issues?”
Wow, and that was just day one.
Filed under: Daily grind, Husbands, Marriage issue, Mom issues, Neurotic Mommy, Weekly Column, Wit, comedy, cookie magazine, humor, mommy blog, parent issues, parenting, parody, women's humor | Tags: children, comedy, cookie, funny, good housekeeping, humor, low blood pressure, magazine, mommy blog, motherhood, parent, parenting, parody
Yesterday’s post was short and sweet, well that may not be the right word, let’s call it upsetting. Apparently, some people were concerned about the spousal abuse I am inflicting on my husband. Let me clarify, I do not throw objects at Mark very often, ever really, except apparently the occasional dull mini cracker; which by the way, he is perfectly capable of defending himself against.
The actual argument was over a little thing I like to call, my new rug. Don’t take that the wrong way, this is not about a Brazilian wax job. Anyone who knows me is aware of my mentally unstable cutting phase. Yes, I used to cut. I cut my beautiful shag carpet from its original 16×24 down to a 2×3 welcome mat. My last dog and one of my true loves, Buddy, got very old and equally incontinent. Look, as someone who pees a little each time I laugh, thanks to childbirth, a fallen cervix, and episiotomies, I have sympathy for the “incontinent,” but not so much when they pee on my rug. Buddy peed many too many times on that rug and so I got me a razor knife and went to town cutting out each pee. The odd angles made it look like a jigsaw puzzle and my family and friends, fearing for my sanity, held an intervention. So, I pulled up my welcome mat and retired my razor.
We then had this cold hard ceramic tile floor in our family room. My kids played on it, bumped their heads on it, road their bikes on it, skinned their knees on it, and at night we all cuddled on it to watch American Idol. Then we peeled our sweaty legs off it to get in bed.
I finally gave in and bought a beautiful, currently discontinued, area rug with a link pattern from William Sonoma. The rug I describe is the very one that was being eaten by my new puppy on my husband’s first day alone with him. A day in which I reminded him repetitively, to his dismay, “to be with the puppy at all times or have him in the crate.” A day in which I forgot my pocketbook and returned a mere 20 minutes later to find my husband asleep in the bedroom and my puppy having a pricey wool link pattern sandwich. A day in which even after the incident he swore it was, “no big deal” and that I’d, “probably do the same thing.” I can’t get mad at the dog, he’s just a puppy and puppies chew. Does the same rule apply to Mark because he’s just a husband and husbands are frustrating asses? Nah, I still have faith in men.
So, please don’t worry about Mark. I say he got off easy under the circumstances… next time I find something harder than puffed crackers, like Swedish fish or something sharper like pita chips!
